Through The Eyes Of A Boulton
by Sth10
Summary: Seventh in Father and Son series. Introducing the observations of life in the Boulton household and at Sun Hill station, as told by everyone’s favourite two year old – Jamie Boulton


Seventh in Father and Son series. Introducing the observations of life in the Boulton household and at Sun Hill station, as told by everyone's favourite two year old – Jamie Boulton

A/N – OK, copyright time! The characters of Adam, Jamie, Nick, Dan, Lia, Reece, Brett, Jen and the Wallace family belong to me. Jeez, that was one helluva list! And before everyone thinks I'm a sad person with no life, I'm just uploading fics written for TBFF atm, so it takes no time or effort at all, and that's why the updates are coming thick and fast!

THROUGH THE EYES OF A BOULTON

SATURDAY

Welcome to the house of Boulton on this bright, sunny Saturday morning. Let me introduce you to the family. Firstly, the man himself, my dad John (or Rucker as his rugby mates call him). Dad is a smart, opinionated and fiery Scouser who never stops to think before he acts. He's also the best rugby player in his division and he isn't half bad at squash either. He's a bit of a sports freak, my dad, and he often demonstrates this by coming in at 3am singing rugby songs with Uncle Don and Uncle Mickey. He had a bit too much of the old Stella last night and he's still unconscious in bed. We won't see him till lunchtime.

Downstairs in my favourite room of the house, the kitchen (for obvious stomach-related reasons) is my mum. Mum is the person who keeps our household from collapsing around us and it is highly unlikely any of us would survive without her. Mum's the really clever one, unlike Dad she uses her brains before her fists and it gets her far.

Back upstairs and in the room next to mine is my big bro Adam. Ad is old, he's seven and he's well bigger than me, and he knows loads of stuff, like where babies come from and who the captain of the Wasps is. I don't actually know why he likes Wasps, coz I'm always scared they'll sting me, but he's pretty obsessed by them.

Ad goes to a posh school called St Martin's; it's miles away from Sun Hill and he has to get up dead early to be on time. I'm gonna go to St Martin's when I'm old enough and I don't mind 'cos I'll get to play loads of sports like Ad, even if I will have to wear a geeky uniform. Anyway, back to my bro. He's like Dad, stays in bed till lunchtime on Saturdays, and goes mad if I wake him. Better keep it down. He got a mini tennis racket last week and he whacks me round the head with it if I annoy him.

And that leaves me, the star of the family. My name is James Roen Boulton, but I'm known just as Jamie. I'm two-and-a-bit and I want to be a detective like Dad. I like pizza, footie and having food fights with Ad. I hate broccoli and next-door's cat coz it always spits at me. One day I'm going to be really, really famous coz I'm going to arrest the world's most dangerous man, whoever that is. I must remember to ask Dad.

Speaking of the old man, I decide to go and get in bed with him. He doesn't show any signs of having a conversation yet, but he does put his arms round me and hold me tight. I love it when he does that (in a macho, manly way, of course. I ain't soft – I'm a Boulton!)

You wouldn't think my dad would be cut out for fatherhood, just looking at him, but all in all, I reckon he does pretty well, most of the time (cooking and helping with homework aside). He thinks he's a bit of a natural himself and although I wouldn't go that far, I must admit I could do a lot worse. I settle down next to him and look at him for a while. Mum thinks Dad's gorgeous, but I'm not sure. I mean, I doubt he could be a model, not like Uncle Rod.

Anyway, we'll skip ahead to lunchtime since no one stirs before then. Dad finally makes an appearance as Ad and I are making peanut butter and crisp sandwiches in the kitchen. He's still suffering from last night but he's denying everything. He thinks he's got Mum fooled but we know different. No one pulls the wool over Mum's eyes. We offer him a sandwich but he just turns green and swallows half a bottle of mineral water in two swallows.

He hardly even seems to notice the phone ringing – Dad's not very good with hangovers. Ad answers it and seems highly enthusiastic. That means it can only be one person - our Uncle Mike over in good old Sydney (I think it's good anyway, I was only 8 months old when I went over). Dad looks even worse, grabs the phone and stumbles out of the room, muttering something not very nice about families.

Did I forget to mention? On Monday, the Boulton family is going to grow. Grow by seven members. The Australian Boultons are hitting England and I can guarantee – it's going to be chaos.

X X X

SUNDAY 

OH MY GOD! ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR MINDS? YOU CANNOT BE SERIOUS!

As you might have guessed, I am not very happy. There is one simple reason for this. This morning, I was woken to be told that for the next week I am going to be sharing my room. Not just with Ad. That would've been OK. I could've coped with that. But no, my parents decide to go that little bit further. They want me, Jamie, the King of Cool, to share my room not only with my brother but also with three other people. These three other people are my twin cousins Reece and Brett, and their big sister Lia, who's the same age as Ad. I have four main problems with this.

JAMIE'S PROBLEMS WITH ROOM SHARING

1. Lia is a girl.

2. Reece and Brett destroy everything they touch.

3. Ad and Lia will gang up on me.

4. My life is going to be a living hell for the next seven days and it's all Mum and Dad's fault.

I hate my parents.

Well, I don't hate them. Actually, I quite like Dad since he bought me that wicked remote control car. But how can they do this to me?

I'm too traumatised to scribble any more. I wonder if they have a psychologist at the nick. The way I'm going, I'll be in therapy for years if I live with my family for much longer.

X X X

MONDAY 

My prediction was correct. The house is in chaos. And Uncle Mike's lot haven't even arrived yet. It's 11am. Dad's got a week's holiday and he looks like he's wishing he were lying on a beach in the middle of the Caribbean. In reality, he's lying on the couch in a pair of jogging trousers while Mum vacuums around him. I think he's going to get smacked one any minute now…

Yep, I was right. He's moved now.

Ad's got the day off from school to come and meet the family with us, but he's hacked off 'cos he's missing PE and they were doing rugby today. Ad's almost as obsessed with rugby as Dad. So to make up for it, he's nicked the controls to my remote car and he's making it crash into my ankles. I try to complain but the parents aren't interested. Mum's given up on the vacuuming and she's necking with Dad. Flamin' hell, woman, can't you keep your hands off him? There are children present! I make some very funky sick noises and retreat to the other side of the room.

"Jamie, sod off for five minutes," Mum tells me.

That's nice, innit? Here I am, minding my own business and they come alone and drag me away from Digimon (very cool programme by the way – thoroughly recommended) coz they don't want me watching them snogging on the couch. Let's face it, guys, it's not like I haven't seen it before. I stay put and try to ignore them. This isn't easy, considering they're all over each other. They get like this sometimes. Fortunately I've had two years to get used to it. It's a good thing too; any other two year old would be scarred for life.

It's now 2pm and the Australian Boultons have landed. Quick explanation of the transcontinental branch: it consists of my Uncle Mike and his wife Jen, my eldest cousin Nick (who's one of the coolest guys on the planet), my other older cousin Dan, their sister Lia and the twins Reece and Brett, who're my age. Dad already seems overwhelmed by everything and Ad's about to start the first fight with Reece. Mum's wisely ignoring everything and is talking to Jen in the kitchen. She's got sense, has my mum.

I'm still laughing about the sleeping arrangements. Not only are Mum and Dad squashing five kids into one room with only one real bed – which Ad has already claimed, they're also putting Mike and Jen in Ad's room and are making Nick and Dan share the sofa bed downstairs. Now, this may not be too bad, except for the fact that Nick and Dan are six foot three and six foot one respectively. Need I explain further? The parents really are hopeless sometimes. I suggested to Dad that maybe him and Mum should sleep on the couch and let the guys have their bed, I mean, let's be honest, they are a bit smaller, but he just gave me a really evil look and told me to keep that thought to myself. What can you do?

OK, it's now bedtime. I have a space on the floor about a metre long and a metre wide. Brett keeps kicking me and Reece is trying to steal my pillow. Ad is hogging the bed and is trying to talk Lia into drawing on my face with her marker pen. It's not fair. I don't even have a camp bed – I have to make do with a sleeping bag. The parents seem to have forgotten who I am. I'm going to make their lives hell for this. I think a quick visit to their room might be in order…

Dad's now thrown me out of their room. Maybe I'll go and sleep with Nick and Dan…

Nope. Nick and Dan are busy kicking the hell out of each other on the sofa bed. They're a bit bigger than me so I won't get involved. Maybe I'll be better off in my two metres of floor space after all.

X X X

TUESDAY 

I am having my first experience of five o'clock shadow, at 9:30 in the morning. I got about two hours sleep last night, had two fights with Reece, one with Ad and threw Lia's marker pen out of the window. Nick and Dan started having a slanging match at 2am, so that didn't help matters either. I gave up in the end and crawled in with Mum and Dad, where I got my two hours of kip. No offence to my relatives or anything, but I hope they don't stay too long.

Dad's walking round upstairs in his boxers again. He does this when he wants to get on the right side of Mum. Wonder if it's got anything to do with him putting that metal tray in the microwave last night. It doesn't seem to matter if it has anyway, 'cos Mum's only interested in grabbing the credit cards and hitting the shops with some serious spending power. I think Dad's quite relieved.

Anyway, the day is going rather well so far, apart from the above. I have happily waved Ad off to school and ignored the murderous looks he gave me, getting rid of him for the day. Now Mum and Jen have gone off to hit Oxford Street and taken Lia and the twins with them. That leaves us men to get down to some serious guy talk, finally. I'm more than happy to toddle on out to the garden with Nick and Dan and be taught the finer points of Aussie Rules football, which actually doesn't seem like football at all, because the ball spends more time at your hands than at your feet. I think it should be re-named.

Wish Nick and Dan could live with us. They're even older than Ad; Nick's twenty-one and Dan's seventeen. My friends from nursery would be so impressed by them. I mean they must know everything about the world, like why the sky's blue and why anyone bothered inventing broccoli.

I've decided that Nick's cooler than Dan, 'cos Nick's famous. He was a teenage sensation and now he's one of Australia's most established professional footie players (I heard it on the Aussie Sport channel), and that must be good 'cos Dan says he's always got his photo in the papers back home. And he's going to do an advert on Aussie TV for some big company called Adidas. They must be pretty important if they can persuade Nick to work for them – us Boultons don't work for just anyone, you know. Wonder if I can get a part. I'd love to be on TV. It'd well show Ad.

I'm bored with being taught how to throw properly. I'm going back inside. Dad and Uncle Mike are in the living room, talking. Ad's been showing me how to listen in on conversations without being seen, so I decide to put my newly learned skills into practice and see what they're saying. It doesn't work as well as I hoped. They keep mentioning someone called Jack, who I don't know, and 'Mam' (I've worked out from Dad that's Scouse for Mum) so I guess they mean Nana. Wonder if Jack's her boyfriend. Or is she too old to have a boyfriend? I'll have to ask Ad when he gets home.

"So, you haven't heard from him?" Uncle Mike says.

"Nope. Not a thing since the card. Mam's never mentioned him again."

"Maybe he's finally got the message."

"Don't go tempting fate." Dad doesn't sound as if he's joking. "I want it to last this time."

"Yeah. Me too."

Neither of them sounds very happy. Grown ups are weird. I mean; they haven't seen each other for over a year. You'd think they'd be going mad, wouldn't you? Not sitting there sounding depressed and talking about some stranger. I'll never understand adults. I guess it doesn't help having a father who's one of the most complicated of all of 'em either.

Mum comes back far too early with the others. Lia tries to batter me with her light sabre, but I gang up with Reece and Brett and we finish her off no problem. She leaves us alone after that. R'n'B aren't so bad really. Dad says Reece is the kid from hell but I don't think he is. Besides, Mum once told me that all Boultons have a touch of the devil in them, so it's not his fault, is it?

I'm just getting to the point of establishing a reasonable conversation with the twins (I'm not very well educated in Australian) when Uncle Don turns up. I'm gutted when he takes Dad, Uncle Mike, Nick and Dan out to the pub. Didn't he think I'd like to go along? I'm developing quite a taste of Bud from the numerous sips Dad gives me when he's a bit oiled. Mum's a bit narked. She doesn't like it when Dad goes out on the raz without her, and she always has a go at him when he comes in, singing and waking all the neighbours up. You'd think she'd have got used to it by now.

I'm asleep in Mum's bed when Dad and the guys finally return. You can always tell when Dad's home coz he always forgets about the step up into the house and falls over it. The crash obviously scares the life out of my cousins; Lia starts screaming and the twins charge out ready to do battle with their light sabres. Things go pretty much as expected after that. Mum has the usual go at Dad, Jen has a go at Uncle Mike, Nick and Dan, Ad has a go at the Lia and the twins for waking him and I get in Dad's side of the bed before he does. A typical night in the Boulton house.

I won't mention the part when Dad and Uncle Mike fell down the stairs trying to climb up them…

X X X

WEDNESDAY 

Hmmmm. Dad's still not awake. We've got the house to ourselves for the first time in days and he's sleeping through it. Better wake him up. I take a running jump onto the bed.

"JESUS CHRIST!"

Ooops. That doesn't sound too encouraging. He usually makes that noise when he's dying from alcohol poisoning. I draw the conclusion that he hasn't come off the better after last night's jaunt, decide it might be better to leave him alone and go in search of my own breakfast.

The kitchen looks like a war zone. Mike's lot have gone off sight-seeing for the day (Nick and Dan were especially interested in Soho), Mum's left for work and Ad's stomped off to school. The mess that they called breakfast hasn't gone with them. I really think we should get a maid round here. One of those really cool ones in a black dress and white frilly apron. Some of Ad's rich mates at school have got them. Like his best mate Jarrett. Jarrett's family is seriously loaded; him and his brothers get taken too and from school by a chauffeur and they've got a cook, a housekeeper, a nanny AND a maid. I don't see why we should be left out.

I'm busy drowning cereal spacemen in milk when Dad puts in an appearance. He's definitely suffering from last night. He lunges for one of the breakfast bar stools and collapses onto it.

"Don't tell your mam, eh?"

Yeah, right, Dad. Mum might be blond, but she's neither blind nor stupid. And, in case you haven't spotted, she's a detective. I think she might just notice you've lost the ability to act like a human being. Honestly, the bloke's meant to be intelligent. You'd think he'd show it a bit more.

"Want to go to the nick today?" Dad asks, mumbling through his fingers.

Do I? What a stupid question. Since when do I ever _not_ want to go the nick? I love Sun Hill; it's even better than the toy department at Harrods and believe me, that's saying something. Harrods may go to the top of my list of favourite places if we actually ever buy something when we're there, but until then, the nick stays numero uno (check it out – multi-linguistic at two. Good or what?)

I'm going to learn how to cuff someone soon. I already know how to use an asp, as Uncle Mickey found out to his disadvantage last time he tried to nick my crisps. How many other toddlers can do that? Man, I'm ready for the streets right now.

Anyway, after a lot of moaning and whinging (and that was just Dad), S'gnt Boults and the J-Man hit the nick. Ten minutes after I arrive, a quick take of stock reveals I am in possession of three packets of crisps, two Mars Bars, a Twix, a can of Coke, a packet of jelly babies and half of Unca Dunca's doughnut. I do very well out of my little visits. I'm practically a celebrity here. I give everyone a rendition of 'Twinkle Little Star' in way of payment, before taking off downstairs to see what I can get out of uniform.

After doing the collection round, I shoot a little pool and lose fairly miserably. Hey, I am only two, y'know! Dad has a game and does even worse than me. My old man may be good at a lot of things but pool isn't one of them. Even I could whip his ass, if I was big enough to be able to hold a cue on my own. Needless to say, he's not amused (Dad doesn't like losing) and we go back up to the office for an hour while Dad attempts to figure out how to turn the CID computer on. He's not the most technologically minded of men. Ad had to show him how to get on the Internet when we first got ours. In the end, he talks Kerry into doing it for him and we head for the classiest restaurant in town – McDonalds.

Several hours later, we got out for dinner with Uncle Mike's lot to a Chinese place Dad gets a discount in. I like Chinese food; it's easy to throw at Ad and makes a lot of mess. I show R'n'B how to melt prawn crackers by sticking your tongue out and putting little pieces on it, and get so close to mastering chopsticks, then Dad tells me you're supposed to have two instead of one. I reckon they're more useful for sword fighting with, anyway. It's pretty cool, sitting there and listening to the waiters talking Chinese. Dad reckons he's pretty fluent in the lingo, but I overhear one guy telling his mate Dad asked him for calf's intestines instead of an extra portion of fried rice. Parents can be so humiliating sometimes.

X X X

THURSDAY 

Oh hell. It's Mum's birthday tomorrow. Dad's just remembered, and that's only coz Ad reminded him before he left for school this morning. So we're off for a bit of quality time together. Only we're going shopping, so it won't really be quality at all coz Dad hates shopping unless we're going to JJB or somewhere like that. We take Nick and Dan with us for a bit of advice and several lists we've made of the things Mum might like. Unfortunately, they differ quite considerably:

DAD'S LIST OF PRESENTS

1. The latest Saints kit

2. Adidas Predator trainers

3. 'The New Met.' by some bloke no one's ever heard of

4. (Ran out of ideas here)

JAMIE'S LIST OF PRESENTS

1. Chocolate

2. White chocolate

3. Dark chocolate

4. Sweets (preferably jelly babies)

NICK AND DAN'S LIST OF PRESENTS

1. Lingerie

2. Sexy lingerie

3. Take a wild guess. Those two really have got one-track minds.

You see the problems we are facing. Not helped by the fact I didn't know what lingerie was and had to ask Nick. Now him and Dan won't stop laughing at me. They seem to have forgotten I'm two, not twenty-two.

Three hours later, we're still searching. Nick's gone off to chat up a girl he's seen in Starbuck's so we probably won't see him for ages now. Dan's still suggesting we buy Mum some lingerie (he seems pretty obsessed with that) but he doesn't know Dad's taste in that sort of thing. Believe me, it's best we avoid, unless we want to risk a murder. We consult the list that Jen gave us for the first time, and finally spot what could be our saviour. Jewellery. Surely even Dad can't screw up buying a pair of earrings. We grab Nick and head for the nearest jewellers.

You know what I said about not even Dad being able to screw up buying jewellery? I was wrong. He's just tried to get a pair of hoop earrings that would probably come down to even Nick's shoulders, let alone Mum's. I kick him hard to tell him what I think of that particular option and, thankfully, he gets the point.

It takes another half an hour, but eventually we leave with a rather snazzy necklace. Dad's looking rather mournfully into his wallet, but we all know he'd never begrudge Mum a few quid. His life wouldn't be worth living if he did. Mine and Ad's present takes less than five minutes to get – I, unlike somebody I could mention, had decided on our gift weeks ago. We head back to the car in possession of a nice-looking box of Thornton's chocolates. Better keep Dad away from them till tomorrow.

Back at the ranch, Reece, Brett and myself partake in a little colouring-in of the wallpaper. Dad is on the phone to Uncle Don, asking his advice on the best place for a romantic dinner tomorrow night (Uncle Don's very good at that sort of thing – Mum says it's because he's had a lot of practice).

"Hey, what you guys doin'?" Nick and Dan have just discovered our little activity.

What's it look like we're doing? We're making the wallpaper more interesting. Dan takes my crayon off me and grins.

"You don't want to do it like that. Try this."

By the time Uncle Mike walks in on us, we've completed the mural Nick and Dan started, and are alone to take the blame. How come the guys knew when to make a run for it? I try to blame it all on Ad, but seen as he's not back from rugby practice yet, that's a bit difficult. Dad doesn't really seem to care; he rarely bothers about that sort of thing, so we have time to prepare excuses until Mum comes home. Maybe she'll be too tired to have a go…

Knew it was too much to hope for. Mum had plenty of energy left to have a go. That's why R'n'B and myself are sitting alone in our room, staring at the offending wall and hoping that we get allowed downstairs before Crimewatch starts. Maybe I shouldn't start making plans to be an artist when I'm older. I don't think Mum would be too happy.

We get released in time for Crimewatch. I settle down on the couch with Dad, and him, Ad and me spend an hour taking the rip out of all the coppers that appear on the programme. We reckon that half the cases on there would be solved if Dad were working on them – or that's what he says anyway. Mum never seems to agree with us though.

X X X

FRIDAY 

Mum's birthday, and Dad's forgotten one important feature. Cards. Still, I think Mum's quite pleased he remembered at all, and no one can ever read his writing anyway, so I guess it doesn't really matter. Mum's gone off to work now and left her chocolates, so I'm helping her out by eating the ones I don't think she'll like.

Dad's on the phone to every restaurant in London, trying to book a romantic dinner for two tonight. That guy really should learn not to leave things to the last minute. He's always doing it. Spur-of-the-moment sort of bloke, like me. I happen to know that he didn't even plan proposing to Mum, just came out with it as they were walking along the beach by Uncle Mike's house. He didn't even have a ring, for God's sake. Bless him; he hasn't got a clue really. Still, Mum puts up with him. I reckon she deserves a medal sometimes.

Lunchtime means off to the gym with Dad to meet up with Uncle Rod. Friday's my favourite day of the week – Uncle Rod always brings me a present. Last week he turned up with this snazzy little denim jacket like the ones him and Dad wear, with my name on the back. Very cool. This week he's got me a baseball cap with 'New York Yankees' written across it. I haven't got a clue who they are, but if Uncle Rod likes them, they must be all right. Can't wait to show R'n'B.

We have a good workout. I go on the treadmill and rowing machine with Uncle Rod and don't fall off once. Dad sticks me on the skiing machine but I just look like I'm doing the splits. All those two can do is laugh, which I don't think is very fair. My legs aren't as long as theirs. They have the usual competition to see who can lift the most on the bench press and, as usual, Dad wins. I don't know why they bother. It's obvious Dad's always going to win (not that I'm biased or anything).

Dad's managed to book a table for dinner, so he and Mum are heading out on the town tonight, leaving Mike and Jen in charge. This should be fun. My uncle and aunt have never had the joy of babysitting my brother and I before. And from what I've seen so far, they've got a lot to learn. For a start off, they've bribed us into being quiet with sweets. Can't they see we're hyper enough without additional sugar?

Well, we've had an interesting evening. Reece and I managed to lock Uncle Mike out in the back garden when he went to take the rubbish out, and it was about an hour before Jen realised he was missing. Very gullible, if you ask me. I've also convinced Lia that in England we have monsters that live in the toilet, so she won't go now unless her parents or Nick accompany her. Girls, honestly, they'll believe anything.

I'm asleep in Mum and Dad's bed when they get home. I'm pretty disgusted when they kick me out and lock the door. What is it with parents? I stomp back to my room and my two metres of floor space, and try to get back to sleep. It's not easy considering I keep hearing Mum and Dad laughing in their room. What can they find that's so funny it keeps them laughing for so long? I'll never understand adults.

X X X

SATURDAY 

Yay! Ad's best mate Jarrett Wallace has come over, and he's brought his little sister, the lovely Keisha. Man, I don't half fancy her. 2 years old and already worthy competition for all those catwalk models Dad likes looking at in Mum's magazines. Unfortunately, R'n'B have also got get their eyes on her. I'm going to have to warn them off my girl…

R'n'B have got the picture now (and Reece has got a black eye as well). My love-hate relationship with the beautiful Keisha is safe. It really is love-hate. I love her; she hates me. Not really sure how it's worked out that way – probably has something to do with Ad corrupting her against me. Still, I'll win her over one day. Which female can resist the Boulton charm? I mean; you only have to look at Mum. One smile from Dad and she's in his arms. It's enough to make a kid sick, I'm telling ya.

Hmmm, mine and Keisha's relationship doesn't seem to have progressed very far today. She did throw Ad's football at my head once, but apart from that she ignored me completely and fawned over Nick and Dan. Looks like I'm going to have to tell those two to back off as well. Oi, Nick, you stick to your Australian TV stars, mate. Keisha's mine. She just doesn't know it yet. I try to ask her to stay a bit longer when she leaves, but it sort of comes out like "Flmrgh", which doesn't get me very far. Jarrett thinks it's hilarious though, and I'm always happy to go up in his estimation. It's very important to have friends in the right places, you know.

It is a surprisingly peaceful night in the Boulton house that follows Jarrett and Keisha's departure. Mike and Jen have taken the kids up the West End, and Nick and Dan have gone clubbing. I think this means they're going to spend the night hitting people with big wooden clubs like on the Flintstones, which sounds pretty cool. Dad forks out for pizza and the new Jackie Chan movie and the four of us sprawl in front of the TV like a normal family (this doesn't happen very often – the normal family bit).

I get a bit hacked off after a while with Mum keep playing with Dad's hair, and Dad growling 'gerroff' as if he means it. Can't she keep her hands off him? It's a bit obvious the bloke just wants to watch some Chinese guys getting their arses kicked in peace. I feel a bit sorry for Dad really. We all know he can never say no to Mum for long, and she'll just whack him one if he does.

Tomorrow, the Australian side of the family depart. I'll be flamin' glad to have my room back, I can tell you. Reece drew on me last night while I was asleep. You'd have thought my big brother might have stopped him but, no, Ad bloody well joined in. Don't know why I bother. Still, I'll miss Nick and Dan. It's been cool having them around – my collection of toys has risen vastly since their arrival. Nick's got his new season starting when he gets home, and he says he'll send me a shirt signed by all the team. I think that's good.

I have a bit of quality time with Mum before I go to bed, when Dad takes Ad out the back to practice spin passes. I heard them talking about that bloke called Jack again this morning with Uncle Mike. I know it's not the coolest, or the most subtle way to do it, but I'm just going to come out and ask who the hell he is. Desperate times call for desperate measures and believe me; I'm pretty desperate to know. The conversation goes something like this:

JAMIE: _So, Mum, who's this bloke Jack you and Dad keep banging on about? _(NOTE: maybe slightly exaggerated since my vocabulary is still a little limited)

MUM (looking taken aback): _Ummm. I don't know…_

JAMIE: _C'mon, Mum, I'm a kid of the world. Don't go playing me for a fool. Just give to me straight_. (Remember the above note)

MUM: _Well… he's… someone your dad knows_.

JAMIE: _And Uncle Mike?_

MUM: _Yeah._

Now maybe this is just me being suspicious, but how the hell can Uncle Mike know the same people that Dad knows, when he lives on the other side of the world? Methinks I'm not being told the whole story. So I toddle off into the garden to see if the old man will shed any more light on the situation.

OK, Dad's just denied all knowledge of knowing this Jack bloke. Mum's come out now and whispered something in his ear. Then he goes ahead and tells me that actually he does know Jack and that he's just some guy he used to hang around with. Does he think I'm stupid or something? I give up.

X X X

SUNDAY 

Bye, guys. Get out of my room and have a good flight. Yes, today's the day that Uncle Mike's lot leave us. In preparation for their next visit, I have devised an action plan:

JAMIE'S PLAN FOR UNCLE MIKE'S NEXT VISIT 

1. Go and stay at Uncle Mickey's till they leave.

2. Try and make sure that Lia gets left back in Sydney

3. Get a lock on my bedroom door that is R'n'B-proof.

4. Plot in advance with Ad to make sure we take top dog spot.

5. Try and talk Nick and Dan into living with us permanently.

6. Send a list of presents to them before they leave Sydney to ensure no disappointment on arrival.

7. Stow away in a suitcase on their return and go back to Australia with them (their house is bigger than ours, so it'll be OK).

Good, isn't it?

We've managed to get to the airport on time to wave the others off. R'n'B have just jumped onto the baggage weighing scale before the woman can stop them and broken it. She's not very happy; let's put it that way. Dad and Uncle Mike tactfully steer all of us off towards the departure gate before we get thrown out (I've been thrown out of a lot of places with Dad). Ad's busy telling Lia that sometimes, in the air, planes dive into the sea and fly underwater so you can't breathe until you get to your destination. She believes him as well. Girls. I collect my final present off Nick (very cool water gun) and generously accept the squashed sweets Dan offers me as his farewell gift (that guy's got a lot to learn about giving presents). That done, they finally depart. It suddenly seems as if the world's gone quiet. I like it.

Back home, we collapse in front of the TV together. Even Dad's quiet, just relishing the sound of peace we haven't experienced for over a week. I think it's going to be a long time before he invites Uncle Mike to stay again. He gets hold of Mum and starts kissing her. For God's sake, don't those two ever stop? Ad and I exchanged unimpressed looks and make a quick escape. I reckon I'll be emotionally scarred by the time I'm three, living with my parents.

And that, people, was a week in the Boulton family. And it was one of the quieter ones. I'd like to thank my dad for doing absolutely nothing (as usual), my mum for just being Mum and my brother for being a pain in the arse (also as usual). I'd better go now, coz Dad wants to get me in the bath and he seems to think I can swim as well as Ad. Gawd, Dad, I'm supposed to wear the water wings, not you. See you next time, people, if I haven't drowned by then.

Jamie x.


End file.
